Nothing Lasts Forever

Home.

Home is where the heart is. Right?

What if your heart is scattered across different parts of the world? Because mine is. As I watched South Korea fade into the horizon, I realized that I left part of my heart there. I had the same realization as my flight left Pudong International Airport in Shanghai. 

Saying goodbye to my kids was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. No exaggeration. Ms. Lu, their Chinese teacher, told them that it was my last day and I wouldn't be seeing them anymore. It was a Friday and everyone else's last day was going to be Monday. I was doing okay until I got to Colin- the little boy notorious for stealing my heart with his giggle. He looked up at me with tears streaming down his face and said, "No, teacha. Monday. Monday." That is when I completely lost it. I had to leave the room. I went outside and sat outside the door of the classroom, all curled up and just sobbing. I didn't want to leave. I just didn't want to.

And then, Kate brings Ricky out to me. I always knew he was going to be the hardest part of leaving China. I stood there on my knees, hugging that precious little body for the very last time. He kept whispering "It okay, Teacha Kayla, it okay" and "I love you" in my ear. He was wiping my tears and stroking my hair. Is this kid 8 or 80? I knew that it wasn't going to get easier. I knew that holding onto him was always going to feel like the right thing to do. Somehow, I stood up. I grabbed his perfect little face in my hands and told him to be good. He gave me that adorable little smirk that says, "not a chance." I started walking away. After about ten steps I turned around and saw him just standing there staring at me. "I love you," I called. "I love you, too."

My last time in my classroom :/

Audrey and Emily

Miss Julius

Angela :)

My boy

My little crazies

My girl, Audrey

Saying goodbye :(

I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stomped on it. But I didn't have time to let it fester. I had to catch a train to Shanghai in two hours, because I was leaving for South Korea the next day. 

My last night in Shanghai was perfect because it was spent with two of my favorite people in the entire world. My girls. My entire experience in China would not have been the same without them. Saturday morning, we hopped on the Metro one last time and headed to the airport. I had to say goodbye to Kate. That was hard. Just plain hard. It made things better to know that I'm going to see her in the beginning of January. 

Megan and I arrived at the airport and realized our flights were out of different terminals. We hugged and said, "See you in Korea!", our excitement overflowing.

My flight was delayed, so we ended up arriving in Korea at the same exact time. I went over to her baggage claim carousel and waited. "Kayla!!!" I heard her voice. I whipped around and saw her running towards me. We hugged like we hadn't seen each other in two years as opposed to two hours. I was just so glad that we had both made it! There was a sliding door up ahead that was the exit. Through other people going out, I could see him on the other side of the railing. I ran over and jumped on him. It felt so good to see him. 

We took a cab back to Suwon, where he lives. I just could not believe that Megan and I were in Korea with my brother. It never seemed real the whole time we were there. We had a great visit with him, full of our usual fighting and bickering. The funny thing about my brother, is that he likes to think he's a badass. Sometimes, he even fools me into thinking that he's one. Until, he drops his little sister off at the airport. As we're hugging for the last time, he can tell I'm crying and tells me to stop being such a baby. I pull away from him and see tears streaming down his face. "You, too," I said. The hard part about saying goodbye to him is that I never know when I'll see him again. I usually only get to about twice a year. Every time I leave, I do so with a sinking feeling of worry, that he might not understand just how much I love him.

Adorable little Korean girls at the grocery store! They were so sweet.

My very last view of South Korea

I arrived back at Pudong and found my gate. Megan wasn't there yet, which I thought was odd, since she landed in China an hour before me. As time started ticking by, a nauseating panic set in. I walked the length of the terminal, all the way to the security gate, many, many times. She was nowhere to be found. Our flight began boarding. I explained the situation to the people at the desk. They said I could wait a few minutes for her. The final boarding call played over the intercom at least 20 times. I just stood there, staring down the massive terminal, waiting to see her red jacket flying towards me. "Please, God," I silently pleaded. I ran down to security one last time and didn't see her. When I came back, they told me that she had boarded the plane. I ran on board. When I got to our seats and she wasn't there, I lost my marbles. I demanded that they let me off the plane. I could not leave her behind. I was the last passenger on the plane and I had actually caused it to be delayed. They had closed the door behind me and told me there was no way they could let me off. Hysterical, I slumped in my seat. The poor Chinese lady sitting next to me felt so sorry for me that she was offering me everything in her purse. At one point, I dozed off and she put a blanket over me. When I woke up, I still couldn't believe Megan wasn't with me. I thought that I had to be dreaming. 

When I landed in Chicago, I called Dolores. Thank the Lord, she had heard from Megan. She told me that Megan was on a different flight and would arrive the next day, before the line went dead. 

I boarded my plane to Dayton. I was all settled in when an elderly Asian man sat down beside me. We started chatting and then I asked him where he was from. I already knew the answer. "China," he said. All I could do was smile. The irony of the situation was overwhelming. What are the odds? Of all the people I could have sat next to on that tiny little plane, it was a Chinese person.

When I landed in Dayton, I started crying. Crying because Megan wasn't with me, because I couldn't believe I was 7,000 miles away from my babies, because I couldn't believe I was finally home, because I knew my life would never be the same. My plane landed about ten minutes early so I sat in the bathroom and composed myself. It's funny, because my family said they couldn't believe I didn't cry when I saw Lucas for the first time. Little did they know, I had my own moment before I came through the security gate.

When I saw them all for the first time, it was a blur. Good thing it's on video because I have no idea what actually happened. I threw down my stuff and jumped on Lucas. I could tell he had been holding his breath, and so had I. My mom couldn't wait any longer. She pulled him away from me and cried on me for awhile before Elysia interjected. It felt really awesome to see everyone. But it was like almost like a dream. I thought I might wake up at any moment in my rock hard bed in Changzhou.

So far, being back in America is nothing like I thought it would be. In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned experiencing culture shock in America. I don't think I actually thought it would happen, but it is. My mood changes on the hour. At some points, I'm so happy to be home. At others, I'd get on a plane tomorrow and go back to China. It's just what I'm used to. I'm trying to be careful of what I say about that to my friends and family. I don't want anyone to feel like they're not a good enough reason for me to want to be here. It's simply not the case. I just have a lot of readjusting to do. Life in America is nothing remotely similar to what my life was like in China. It's hard. When I first got to China, I hated it. I wanted to come home. That's how I feel now.

Yesterday, I was finally reunited with my BFF. I was so happy and it only felt natural to be with her. I've spent every day of the last four months with her. I don't know what I'm going to do when I leave her in Idaho. I'm so excited for her to have this experience, but so sad that she has to have it so far away. We had lunch at Cherry House Cafe yesterday, one of our favorite places in Beavercreek. We were talking about the weather when she said, "Back home it's not this cold!" We just looked at each other. Back home, huh? That tells you where our minds are.

I know that it will only take some time to be re-acclimated to life in America. I will never forget China- any part of it. But I'm going to learn to incorporate it into my daily life. Eventually, the pangs of sadness will go away. This is my last post in Chasing Life in China, but I don't think I'm ready to stop spewing my thoughts on a blog. If you're a faithful reader, be on the watch for a new blog about my less exciting, but ever present adventures here in the good ole' United States of America.

There's no good way to end this. By "chasing life in China", I found a greater purpose for mine.

The chase was a success.

LOVE

Zai Jian, Changzhou

I remember the very first time I saw Tsingying Wujin Foreign Language School. I was exhausted, thrilled, and already slightly homesick all at once.

The bus pulled into the gate and upon first glance at the humongous, perfectly constructed buildings and all-encompassing irongate fence, I remember thinking to myself, "Where am I?!" I was at a rich kids' school, that's for sure.

My very first view of my home in Changzhou

I remember the grueling haul that was dragging my 130 pounds of luggage up five flights of stairs. I remember  walking into my room for the first time, room 5507. I remember walking into my bathroom, staring at the squatter, and thinking to myself, this is going to be a long four months. I remember happily unpacking and finding a new home for all of my things.

My building! I'm the fifth row up, seventh window over from the right.

And now? Now I'm sitting on the floor, surrounded by my scattered belongings, and of course Megan and Kate. I can't believe that I came here with three suitcases and I'm leaving with only one. Actually, I can. I'm leaving nearly all my clothes here. After four months of hand-washing and "spinners" as a method of drying, everything is so stretched out that I might as well be wearing garbage bags. The bagginess could also be credited to my weight loss, an impressive 43 pounds at my final weigh in. I'm pretty proud of myself in case you can't tell. Oh, and the clothes just plain smell. Like China.

I've had my last Muslim meal, my last tuktuk ride, my last walk into town, my last visit to the night market, my last wrap. I have yet to shed a tear.

Tomorrow will be the real test. Tomorrow is, indeed, my last day with my kids. I will be saying goodbye to them for forever. I think that I've just started looking at leaving China as a step that I have to take in order to get to all the other exciting things that are coming up in the future. I love my kids. They will always have a place in my heart. All I know, is that I was so blessed to have gotten to know them and I'm a better person for it. Tomorrow is also my last night out in Shanghai with my girls. Saturday will be the day I say goodbye to my wonderful roommate, who I instantly bonded with and loved. We will forever be China besties, Katelyn.

I came to China because I wanted to know what life was like outside my little bubble in the United States of America. I wanted to be humbled. I wanted to realize how blessed I really am. I wanted a deeper frame of reference for my life.

Smearing cake on Teacha Kayla!

Yeah, yeah, he got me.

And the favor was returned :)

I got everything I wanted out of this experience, and then some. I know in my heart that I will be back to China. It's a huge part of who I am now. And I will drag whoever will come with me. So for China, it's not goodbye, it's see you later.

Zai Jian, Changzhou.

Airports

I love them. While planning our vacation to Disney in 2011, I remember telling my mom that I was disappointed that we had a nonstop flight from Dayton to Orlando.

Why do I like them so much? It's hard to tell. There are really so many reasons.

Mostly, I feel like airports are full of pivotal moments. Life-changing ones. They're places of sweet hellos and bitter goodbyes. Places of promise for a return, places of anguish for an uncertain reunion.

They are the pit stops of any adventure. I love the bustle, the chaos, and the adrenaline. I love the homecomings. I love talking to strangers on my flight.

On an airplane or in an airport- those are two places in America where I will still be able to ask someone, "Where are you from?" Because I've realized how much I'm going to miss that. Often times when we travel out in Shanghai and meet a non-Asian person, that's the first question out of our mouths.

In Ohio, I just assume everyone is from there because most of them are. I won't have that instant bond with a person because we're cut from the same cloth of being a fearless traveler who dares to brave the elements of an unknown country and culture. I have something in common with people from forty-some odd countries.

Now, I only wish that airports didn't have stipulations against smuggling children. I'm waiting for the wave of emotion to hit me, actually. Because lately, I haven't been that sad about leaving. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm the first person to cry about a situation, or anything, really. I love them with my whole heart and I do understand that I'll never see them again... So why the lack of hysterics? I have taught them well and they have taught me more than I ever knew I could learn, especially from people less than half my age.

Maybe I'm just okay with the fact that it's supposed to be this way. I met their adorable little selves because I had a purpose to serve in their lives and they in mine. For now, that purpose has been fulfilled.

Maybe, it is just well with my soul.

Holding hands with my favorite <3

Winding Down

I never thought I'd get to the point where I could say, "I'm going back to America next week." But here we are.

I had an incredible weekend with Megan and Kate, as usual. The stories and inside jokes will never be forgotten. Here are some random thoughts/stories on the weekend.

I got burned by a freakin' cigarette Friday night. Seriously, people, who does that? I'm going to give that guy the benefit of the doubt and assume it was an accident. It some freaky kind of way, I actually sort of like the fact that I got a scar from my favorite place in the world. 

My ouchie :(

We took pictures while jumping in midair in the metro tunnel. I LOVE metros. WHY are there none in Beavercreek, Ohio?! Anyways, everyone stared at us like we were hella crazy, as usual. It was 47 different flavors of great.

They're weird :)

Megan wasn't so great at timing.

We're the coolest people I know.

One of my favorite things about Shanghai!

We can add Belgium, Congo, Belize, and Morocco to our list of countries that we've met people from.

Remember those guys that we met from Ohio last weekend in Shanghai? We ran into them again off of Nanjing Road on Saturday. What the heck! What are the chances of seeing anyone twice in a city that huge, let alone people from your state?

For the second time in four months, I have a serious stomach bug. I woke up very sick on Sunday morning. For someone plagued with nonstop projectile vomiting, the screeching starting and stopping on the Metro makes you want to hurt yourself, and the smell of the K train makes you want end your life altogether. I do not know how I did it. I guess I just had no other choice. I had never been more glad to arrive to my nice, warm, hard as a rock bed here at the school. The other day I thought about how in a month or so, this will be someone else's room, someone else's home. It just doesn't seem right.

Once we got off the train in Changzhou, we had to wait in a ridiculously long line for a taxi. There were these people standing by the line who tried to harass us into going with them for about double what the price of a regular taxi would cost. There was this one man in particular who would not leave us alone. We kept telling him, in Chinese, that we didn't understand him. This nice girl who was about our age and was standing in front of us, told him to leave us alone- or something along those lines- because suddenly he became irate and started yelling at her. The next thing I knew, he hit her. Hard. I was just about a hair away from flying off my rocker, folks. He looked like he was about to hit her again when I stepped in between them. Staring directly into his eyes, I was daring him to touch me. One of the security people noticed the tiff and made him leave. That is something I will not and do not understand about Chinese culture. This woman would have let this stranger beat her simply because she's a woman and he's a man and she's supposed to be submissive to him. I felt like turning into a mad woman and beating his ass into a pulp on the spot. Obviously, there is nothing that burns me up more than that kind of thing. 

I've been saying that I was done shopping for weeks now. Anddd I still bought more things in Shanghai this weekend. My list of those to be gifted is now near 50. I know way too many people. 

Every time we go to Shanghai we visit this nice lady named Kerry at the Pearl Market. She is so sweet and always gave us such good deals on things- which of course made it impossible to turn down. 

Megan, Kate and I bought China friendship bracelets. Hands down, my favorite thing that I've purchased since I've been in China.

Our BFF bracelets :)

Megan noted that by the end of Wednesday, December 19, we will have been in three different countries within a twenty-four hour window. How cool is that?

Me and Sadie outside of our hostel in Shanghai. She works at the hostel and we got to know her very well over our five stays in Shanghai :)

4 more days in Changzhou, 5 more in China, and 5 in South Korea is all that stands between me and home!

Superfluous Nonsense

Having a blog is an interesting thing.

I started this blog for my friends and family, and for myself. I wanted everyone to know what I was up and this was easier than sending out mass emails every day. I also started it for myself, so that I can look back on the stories that composed my life in the Fall of 2012.

Since I started my blog, I've had over 5,000 page views and my blog has been viewed in 63 countries. Almost all of them have visited more than once. It's interesting to me that people care enough about what I write on here that they come back to read a second time.

Anyways, there are days, like today, where I don't have anything specific to write about but I just feel like writing a blog. And then, as I'm writing about some superfluous nonsense like my blog audience, it dawns on me what I'm supposed to be writing about.

I've learned so much in China that I don't think it's possible for me to claim that I'm the same person that I was four months ago.

One of the most important on the list, is that I can do hard things! Really hard things. I uprooted my life and moved to another city in another country where I only knew one person out of the seven million in the population.

Adjusting to life in China was pure hell. I won't for one second lead anyone to believe that it was even relatively easy. Culture shock is overwhelming and exhausting and frustrating to the point of tears. Communication barriers are everywhere and all you really want to do is blend in. I've stood out like a sore thumb since I left Los Angeles. There were days where I wouldn't go out in public because I could not bear the staring or for one more person to scream "HELLO!" at me.

The first two weeks of teaching made me question my every decision that led to me coming to China. I strongly disliked everything about it. The teaching method, the school, even the kids. Everything sucked. I didn't know what I was doing and the kids were devils.

I don't know where the pivotal moment occurred. I don't know the day that I just decided that I was in love with China and I don't know when it started to melt my heart to hear my kids yell "Teacha Kayla!!!" and literally swarm me when they saw me walk around the corner to pick them up for class.

My experience living in China will be exponentially beneficial to the rest of my life. If you can live in a foreign country successfully, you can do anything. I feel like my opportunities are limitless and there's really nothing I can't do.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that my confidence is pretty overwhelming and that's a great feeling. I didn't have a lot of that when I left America. I've lost a lot of weight, I can speak some Chinese, and I'm the world's best charades player. I'm a better person. I can love stronger, because I know what it's like to go without people you love for an extended period of time, and I can love strangers. The people of China wear their life stories on their faces. I sit on trains and just think about the kind of life these people have lived. Used to, I might have been annoyed at some random Chinese person wanting to practice their four-word English vocabulary with me, and now it just makes me happy. I am happy to talk to them.

Seven more nights in Changzhou, two more in Shanghai, and four more days with my babies.

"Time waits on no one. If you want to do something, you better get it done." -Ralph Webb (My grandpa :))

Shanghai Finale...

Or so we thought.

I've said it a million times, and I'll say it again. Shanghai is my favorite place in the entire world. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I love so much. The beauty of the city, the vibe, the bustling markets on every side street, the kind people, the breathtaking architecture- it could be any and all of it. All I know, is that I feel like I'm on Cloud 9 when I'm there. There's always something to do, something to see.

Megan and Kate and I stayed there for our last four day vacation. We just got home last night around 11 p.m. We thought that it was our last time in Shanghai.

Guess what we did before we left the hostel yesterday?

Yup. We booked it for this weekend as well. You know you've stayed in the same hostel a few times when one of the workers goes out with you at night and then stays in your hostel room with you. It seems kind of ridiculous, huh?

Well, I don't think so. We love it there, and realistically, we'll not be able to go back for years. Why not take advantage of the opportunity? All we'll do this weekend if we don't go is laze around- and let me tell you, that's not how I intend to spend my very last weekend in the great country of China.

While we were there, I finished my shopping! I'm not buying one single other thing. I have purchased gifts for more people than I care to count over again. I love buying things for people but it can be very stressful. I can add Finland, Russia, and Czech Republic to the places that we've met people from.

The weekend started out on a good note. We thought we would save some money and take a bus to the train station instead of a cab. That plan bit us in the arse. We didn't know where to get off so we missed our train. No big deal. We bought tickets for the next one, but we didn't have seats. There were only standing tickets left. Ugh. Three hours, standing, on a Godforsaken K train. We all know how much I enjoy those.

As soon as the Chinese people surrounding us realized that we had standing tickets, they wasted no time jumping up and absolutely insisted that we take their seats. It was so sweet. People in China are often times extensively generous like this. They were fascinated with us. They knew about four words of English and we know very little Chinese, but we had full conversations with them for three hours. The majority of communication is body language, seriously. They started asking if we had any American money. It so happens that Megan did. She pulls out two ten dollar bills and one one dollar bill. Snatching them out of her hands, they pull out their wallets and start asking how much money they're worth. Megan left that train 126 kuai richer! It wasn't long before a crowd had gathered, all wanting American money. I'm sure it's not exactly  legal to be exchanging currency on trains in China, but who's keeping track? These guys told us we were fat and gave us a thumbs up. Oh, China. One of them also plucked one of my hairs off my jacket and wrapped it around his neck before sticking it in his pocket.

We arrived at our hostel and got all gussied up to go out. Dancing the night away, that's our specialty. On Sunday we went to the major underground market and finished our shopping. Monday we checked out of the hostel, booked it for this upcoming weekend, and headed to the train station. There's a McDonald's across from the train station that is our renowned hang out for when we're waiting on trains. While sitting there, we get accosted by some Chinese man wanting money, claiming to be deaf. He gets rather aggressive about the matter and he starts to shake her arm. She springs out of her chair and he starts to laugh. "See?! He's not deaf! He's laughing!" Really, Megan? I laughed until I cried. Story of our lives when we're together.

I can't wait to do it all again this weekend. Life is short, my time left in China is ever-shrinking, and all I know is that I'm going to enjoy it as much as possible!

The countdown is getting serious. I'm leaving China in 10 days and I will be back in the United States in 15. I'm really starting to get excited about coming home. I can't wait to see Lucas and kiss his adorable face that I've gone nearly four months without seeing. I can't wait to hug my mom and my sisters. I can't wait to see Lucas' parents. I can't wait for Christmas and the day after so that I can finally see my wonderful family down there. I can't wait to see my boys!- who whined about the fact I put Easy Mac in front of them on my "Giving Thanks" post. I can't wait to go back to work.

Maybe life in Ohio won't be so bad after all.

My BFFs <3

We met fellow Ohioans on Nanjing Road!

Nanjing Road

Beautifulll!

Megan, me, Kate, and the Italian Pirate

Bathroom shot! This is my model pose in case you couldn't tell.

The Girl I Used To Be

For some reason, it's so much easier to make ridiculous, spur-of-the-moment decisions while in China. I don't necessarily view that as a bad thing, either.

I've noticed that I've had a lot of "why not?!" moments here. I've noticed that in America, I really restrict myself. I've noticed how liberating it feels to do something silly "just because."

For example, today I got another ear piercing and then bought colored contacts. Why? Because I can! And, it's fun to change things up. I'm going to rely on that kind of thing pretty heavily back in the States because I'm afraid life might seem terribly monotonous to me after having an adventure every single weekend- if not every single day- over the last four months. After all, I did go biking through the breath-taking mountains of Yangshuo and stand on the Great Wall all within a month. Heck, I went to Beijing and Shanghai in the same week.

I feel like a completely different person since I've been here. I'm more outgoing, more sociable, more adventurous, more patient, less angry, and overall more relaxed. I can't say that I worry about much, because if I can't do anything about the situation in question, why worry?! I deal with things a lot better. If something doesn't go as planned, I make an adventure out of it. In a lot of ways, I feel so far away from the girl that I used to be. Don't me wrong, my overall personality is still the same. I'm still hard-headed, difficult to get along with at times, and care about people I love more than anything. Not to sound conceited, but if there's one thing I love about myself, it's that I will drop whatever I am doing and tend to someone who is in need. If I can help, I will do anything to do so. Even if I barely know the person.

It's kinda funny how I came here to be a teacher, because I'm the one who has been taught- about unconditional love, patience, priorities, and most importantly, how to enjoy the little things, and make those count for more than the bad stuff. My students have taught me far more than I ever could them.

I've had this wave of calm wash over me the past couple days. In no way am I insinuating that I won't be upset when it's time to say goodbye to my babies, but I have stumbled upon this idiopathic understanding that this entire four month occasion is not one fit for tears, but one fit for relentless smiles, laughs, appreciation, love, and remembering the best times of my life.

It also helps that I have a mass hoard of people waiting to welcome me at Dayton International Airport. I don't feel ready to come home, but I think that will change as I'm watching China fade into the horizon from United Airlines flight 3661 in a couple weeks. My life has astounding potential and it's pretty awesome to think about all the things I can do.

I can't wait to start planning my next adventure, but I promise to ignore the itch and stay stateside for at least a little while.

No Go Back to Meiguo

Today was one of those days where I was the world's worst teacher. I just let my kids color. You know why? Because I literally just wanted to look at them and take pictures and listen to them say, "Teacha Kayla, look!" I'm trying so hard to absorb everything about them. It's like I have an unrealistic goal of not forgetting anything about them. I wish that were possible.

After teaching, I got Korean food with Megan, Kailey, and Scott. We stopped for milkshakes after and the people told us that they were closing for good tomorrow. So sad! The first few times I walked in, the guy would hand me his phone and have me type what I wanted into a translator. After awhile, he just remembered. It was cute.

I really just want to cut the last couple weeks out. All of this saying goodbye nonsense will be the death of me. I'm so excited to come home, really. I'm just one of those people who hates to close any chapter in my life. Even if it was a bad one. Moving on always makes me sad, lethargic even. There are so many great things to look forward to, though, and what I've learned in China will stay with me for forever. I'm seriously considering just not allowing my own children to go to college until they live abroad. Gap years are genuinely a good idea and it seems like America is the only country that doesn't think so. If I had had this experience right out of high school, I could have saved a lot of money and time!

Megan, Kate, and I are going to Shanghai on Saturday. I'm way excited to spend the weekend with two of my favorite people in my favorite city in the entire world.

Enough chatter. Here is some food for your heart.

Kisses for my sweet, sweet Colin.

Silly Frank.

Mike :)

Jackson. One of my favorites.

Love.

Jason melts my heart.

"Teacha Kayla, I love you. No go back to Meiguo (America) . Ricky go. Yes?"

Hahah :)