Moments

I've had so many of them lately.

On Friday we didn't teach because our school had their own rendition of "The Voice". It was SO adorable!! I had three kids perform in the show. Mike, Nick, and Bob sang a song and then were break dancing to "Walk it Out." I died, it was so cute! Ricky found me sitting in the crowd and came over to sit on my lap. That's where one of these "moments" occurred.

I'm sitting there surrounded by all the kids of my school, with my very favorite sitting on my lap, giving me hugs and kisses, and the thought of leaving him crept into my mind. I started crying. I can't help it. Sometimes I'm so grateful that I chose to do this and experience the love of these little kids, and other times I think it was the worst idea of my life. HOW am I supposed to leave? Knowing that I'm never going to see them again? It's going to  be sad to leave my babies, but particularly devastating to leave Ricky. I'm constantly overwhelmed when I think about how much I love this little boy even though it's been such a short amount of time since he bounced (literally) into my life.

And then it donned on me that I have FOUR weeks of teaching left. What the heck? When did this happen? I'm leaving China in one month and two days. Nonsense. I couldn't wait until the halfway point. I couldn't wait to say that I was on the downward slope. And now? I kinda hate myself a little for thinking that way. It was such a waste.

I think I'd probably do anything to be able to take him home with me. I'd give up every personal freedom, I'd take on another job. I just don't want to leave him here. It sounds ridiculous, and maybe it is, but what can I say? I love that little boy so much.

I also think about how different I am since I moved to China. I was naive enough to think that I wouldn't change at all, actually. I used to think that I had a view of the world. Now I know that my "view" of the world was actually really ignorant and quite frankly non-existent. I have gained such an appreciation for my country, but at the same time, I resent it a little bit. I feel so uninformed about the world. I meet people everywhere I go that know more about America than I do. They know more about the world in general. I dislike that so much.

It makes me want to travel everywhere. I'd love nothing more than to get rid of nearly everything I have, pack a backpack, and buy a one way ticket to some country that I've never even heard of. The world is such an amazing place. Being in Beijing I had another moment as I was standing on the Great Wall of China. I thought to myself, "Wow. My life is pretty freakin' amazing." I don't want it to end. There's so much more that I want to see.

As much as I want to just enjoy my last few weeks here, I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm dreading dropping my kids off after teaching. I'm never going to be able to spend enough time with them. It's hard.

On a completely unrelated side note- This weekend, Megan and I watched this guy kill a fish by throwing it against a rock multiple times. I will be having nightmares for the rest of my life. That is all.